I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
