Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she told me i tasted like america
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
