a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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