I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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