I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
