im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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