I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
