she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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