Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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