I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
