textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
