i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
