if i can run in heels then i can drive
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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