You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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