I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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