new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
