You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
