I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize