dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
