I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize