You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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