The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
