butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
