i love accidental penises.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
