I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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