i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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