somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
