its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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