I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
