Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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