Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
