Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
