I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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