Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I could make wine with my vomit
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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