these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
