I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
