just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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