I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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