You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize