I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
