I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
