Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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