Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
