You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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