I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He felt like a one man threesome
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Who died my cat blue again?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
