i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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