My nipple is on Facebook.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
