My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think my moral compass just broke
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
