either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
