I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How external is "for external use only"?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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