it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
