I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
