Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
