I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
