can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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