apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
