If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
