I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize