So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
