I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
