My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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